Paintings explained

“It’s too loud outside” was painted by Edwin Munchies and he was German. Or Dutch or from one of those countries where everything is stern yet jolly and furniture is bright colors and the little boys have sensible bobs and people wear scarves inside and eat yogurt after dinner. The painting was of Edwin’s neighbor Harry, whose mom was a pear and dad was an electric eel. He was known for sneaking into the children’s rooms at night to lick their shins and force feeding the elderly tapioca pudding. One day Harry was on a bridge and everyone was being too loud so he covered his ears and did big shriek.

* Some art historians actually believe that this painting depicts the moment that Harry found out that it, in fact, was not butter.

This one’s called Moaning Lisa because there was this lady Lisa who was always sneaking into peoples’ houses and trying their bread. If she liked your bread she’d do a little moan while eating it. Sometimes right when you’re falling asleep in your room at your dad’s house after his friend Cathy has come over for dinner and you hear moaning coming through the walls it’s because moaning Lisa’s ghost has returned to try the leftover focaccia. This is the truth because my dad told me about it the next morning when I asked why there was all this moaning and banging around and screaming when I was trying to fall asleep.

This painting’s called La Gorilla and you say la instead of the because it was made for the prime minister of Spain and in Spain they use all these words like la, lo, de, and le, instead of normal words like the because they never learned not to talk like babies. The guy who made it his name was Picasso and he loved animals. He was Spain’s most successful petting zoo lobbyist. This painting’s about his brother’s sixth birthday party when he was a kid which is where his love for animals was born because at the party they had a petting zoo.

The painting was Picasso’s first of many commissioned by himself for his own lobbyist campaign for the prime minister of Spain to mandate petting zoos for all sixth birthday parties. Just for boys though, for girls it doesn’t matter they can do whatever baseless theme they want like strawberries or under the sea or Mitch Mcconnel.That way if someone is planning a birthday party for their soon to be six year old son and the prime minister sees the invitation and there’s no mention of a petting zoo whatsoever, he calls the parents to ask what gives. The prime minister does this and it’s been the tradition in Spain now for the last 400 years, since Picasso died.

So at Picasso's brother’s birthday party they had a petting zoo with all the petting zoo staples like guinea pigs and rabbits and bulls. And there was this big guinea pig house in the middle of it and everyone had been talking about the gargantuan size of it because the guinea pigs were so comparatively small. They were like, what guinea pig is this house for, Jeff Bezos? So right when they were singing happy birthday and Picasso’s brother was blowing out the candles on his birthday paella a big gorilla burst through the guinea pig house. He had been hiding in there all along, and everyone was so delighted by the gorilla surprise and that’s why the painting’s called La Gorilla.

This one’s called Virtuous Man it was done by Leonardo da Vinci like 60 years ago when everyone looked angry because they were always getting chased by the plague or stoned to death or surviving on squirrels. His driver’s license said the Vinci but he got it changed to da to sound a bit more suave. Leonardo was one of the smartest guys from around that time even though they didn’t have calculators back then probably not even the iPhone X. The drawing is of his best friend Steve the Nudist, who had four arms and four legs but only one penis. If he had had two it would have been better because then when he was peeing it probably would have taken half as long, because he’d have two streams to empty out just one bladder. Man, that could have been cool. He’d be at a cubs game and have to go take a leak and would come back in like five minutes instead of seven, because you have to take into account the bathroom line at a cubs game, that adds extra time. But when he finally got back to his seat all his friends would shake their heads and smile knowingly because they’d be thinking, “two streams. this guy’s the coolest.”

In the drawing Steve is doing his signature trick, where he makes himself super small so that he fits in a hoola hoop and then stretches out all his arms and legs to stand perfectly still, still as a mouse. He could do this for minutes. But Leonardo was the only one who knew cus they were best friends and Steve was so shy. When word first got out noone believed Steve could do this trick because it was so impressive. They would call him a poser and shout mean things like, “you wish you could be still in a hoola hoop! Face it. You’ll never be still in a hoola hoop.” And then one day at t-ball practice with everyone he whispered to Leonardo, “It’s time. I think I’m gonna do it. ” And Leonardo was like, “Word!” And so Steve closed his eyes and flapped his arms and thought real hard about Hillary Clinton. Sure enough, he became small and still in a hoola hoop, for everyone to see. They cheered and kissed each other's wives on the mouth and went in on a timeshare in Daytona together and lived happily ever after.

Sandro Boticelli was commissioned in the late 1400s by the Medici family to paint this for their Costello villa. It reflects the Renaissance's revival of interest in classical mythology and symbolism to portray the pagan tale of the girl standing in the shell and how she almost walked to shore. It’s called Rachel, the Girl Standing in a Shell, Almost Walks to Shore.

Legend has it that Rachael was always standing and also in the shell, a feat admired by many. Hardly a natural, Rachel was at times inclined to sit or move to a
different location outside the shell. But practicing tirelessly, she became the best at it. Sailors would drive by and coo at her, offering remarks like “Show us the other one!” or “Your hair would look great up.

Unbothered, Rachel would dismiss them coyly...“I can’t talk right now, I’m standing in the shell,” she would say. One day Jeremy, the conjoined twins angel, came by to check on Rachael and chat about poseidon or the latest episode of hgtv home renovations or scones or something. Jeremy was one of those situations where they were pretty much two entirely separate people there was really only this one patch on the hip that kept them together about the size of a chocolate chip cookie but medicine back then was so conservative the doctor was like, eh, let’s just keep ‘em together, and they’ll only have one name, Jeremy. So they did. And it was the doctor who named them Jeremy.

So boy was Jeremy’s timing great because Rachel was about to wash to shore and meet her sister Leena the one with the blanket. Rachel would have to step down out of the shell but she couldn’t quite hone the logistics. She figured stepping must be like standing, but then confused herself. She became frozen, like any water bearing substance below thirty two degrees. “Come try this blanket on, it smells like plums!” Leena encouraged. But it didn’t work, Rachel was like, “I’ve never eaten plums you ignorant wench so far my favorite food is seagul sprinkled with sand, toaster strudel, or my own hair. You know that.”

So Jeremy would have to blow her to shore. Jeremy furrowed their brows and peed their pants and thought as hard as they could about Newt Gingrich and did a big blow. They did this for about four seconds as long as the breath lasted and then they had to hit the road as their wife was making bbq chicken pizza, their favorite. Jeremy headed out and Leena thought pizza sounded pretty good too so she tagged along and no one knows what happened to Rachael it’s a heavenly mystery. It’s said that if you go to the beach and lay face down in the sand you can still hear Rachael’s muffled screams.

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