A vocational quiz for the unambitious

Preface

Maybe you’re a Nun
Ideal for quiet types with long unpainted fingernails. The mere thought of Miami makes you shudder. You enjoy raisins and carrot sticks and as a girl you might have had special feelings toward your gerbil.

The easiest way out of a dinner is to be

Sick
Aloof
Overbooked
Cloistered

I can’t get away from

The office
The gym
The beach
The orphanage

A girl’s hemline indicates

The length of her skirt
Whether or not she has outgrown last year’s uniform
A simple measurement in inches
Her destined life of moral depravity

I can’t leave the house without

Perfume
Lipstick
My airpods
A habit

I take comfort in knowing I’ll always have my

Dignity
Wits about me
Memories
Celibacy

You’re a child prodigy
Less precocious than inconvenient, you explain magic tricks at birthday parties. You brought Mein Kampf to show and tell. Rather than friends, you regard your peers as variables in the extended observational study that is your childhood. You’re skittish around dogs.

I love to play

Outside
Soccer
Pretend
With mommy’s emotions

The kids in my class are

Always willing to share crayons
Great at playing tag
Fun to play with
Bad at majong

My prize possession is

My American girl doll
My play Jeep
My secret candy stash
A signed first edition of The Wealth of Nations.

On tuesdays I practice

Basketball
The piano
Volley ball
Stoicism

The principals office is

Where the principal works
A place you go if you’re in trouble
Where the announcements come from
Poorly decorated

The playground is

A great place to make friends
For outside voices
Where I go on playdates
A puerile arena for the display of rudimentary motor skills.

My classmates make great

Friends
Company
Neighbors
Social experiments

Turns out you’re imprisoned
You have a penchant for lofted beds and routine. A sharp eye for post war brutalist architecture. You live by Marie Kondo, and love to have a bathroom nearby.

The best tool to settle a disagreement is

A calm voice
Agreeing to disagree
A couple of deep breaths
A toothbrush I’ve sharpened against a concrete floor

My go to flirting move is

Biting my lip
Twirling my hair
Winking
Dropping the soap

My girlfriend

Works at a museum
Loves to cook
Is an artsy type
Goes by knuckles and has a beard

I start my mornings

With a cup of coffee
Early
With yoga
By checking every lock and hinge

My ideal spontaneous escape is

A trip to aruba
A long drive
A good movie
The ventilation shaft at 3 AM

You may be divorced
Half of us.

I make lists of

Birthdays
Restaurants
Groceries
Items I can prove were mine before 2017

At dinner I ask my kids about

What they accomplished with the day
How their friends are
Their favorite TV show
Daddy’s new friend Rachelle

My son’s lacrosse coach would make

A great ralph lauren model
A great tutor
A good first husband
A and C

Perhaps you’re a TSA Agent.
Your name is Caleb and you have a general distrust in shampoo.

I lie awake at night thinking about

My children’s future
The climate crisis
My wife’s whereabouts
Liquids over 4 oz

When I meet a stranger I

Introduce myself
Give them a hug
Say hello
Make them take off their shoes

I go on long drives to let my mind wander and often end up

Back at my house
At the lake
On the highway
At Newark Liberty International

I do my best work with

Classical music
A cup of coffee
Oil paints
A metal detector

I express myself

Through dance
By writing poetry
Through my fashion choices
In a monotoned yet agitated voice