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A vocational quiz for the unambitious
Ideal for quiet types with long unpainted fingernails. The mere thought of Miami makes you shudder. You enjoy raisins and carrot sticks and as a girl you might have had special feelings toward your gerbil.
The easiest way out of a dinner is to be
- Sick
- Aloof
- Overbooked
- Cloistered
I can’t get away from
- The office
- The gym
- The beach
- The orphanage
A girl’s hemline indicates
- The length of her skirt
- Whether or not she has outgrown last year’s uniform
- A simple measurement in inches
- Her destined life of moral depravity
I can’t leave the house without
- Perfume
- Lipstick
- My airpods
- A habit
I take comfort in knowing I’ll always have my
- Dignity
- Wits about me
- Memories
- Celibacy
You’re a child prodigy
Less precocious than inconvenient, you explain magic tricks at birthday parties. You brought Mein Kampf to show and tell. Rather than friends, you regard your peers as variables in the extended observational study that is your childhood. You’re skittish around dogs.
I love to play
- Outside
- Soccer
- Pretend
- With mommy’s emotions
The kids in my class are
- Always willing to share crayons
- Great at playing tag
- Fun to play with
- Bad at majong
My prize possession is
- My American Girl Doll
- My play Jeep
- My secret candy stash
- A signed first edition of The Wealth of Nations.
- Basketball
- The piano
- Volley ball
- Stoicism
The principals office is
- Where the principal works
- A place you go if you’re in trouble
- Where the announcements come from
- Poorly decorated
The playground is
- A great place to make friends
- For outside voices
- Where I go on playdates
- A puerile arena for the display of rudimentary motor skills.
My classmates make great
- Friends
- Company
- Neighbors
- Social experiments
You have a penchant for lofted beds and routine. A sharp eye for post war brutalist architecture. You live by Marie Kondo, and love to have a bathroom nearby.
The best tool to settle a disagreement is
- A calm voice
- Agreeing to disagree
- A couple of deep breaths
- A toothbrush I’ve sharpened against a concrete floor
My go to flirting move is
- Biting my lip
- Twirling my hair
- Winking
- Dropping the soap
My girlfriend
- Works at a museum
- Loves to cook
- Is an artsy type
- Goes by “knuckles” and has a beard
I start my mornings
- With a cup of coffee
- Early
- With yoga
- By checking every lock and hinge
My ideal spontaneous escape is
- A trip to Aruba
- A long drive
- A good movie
- The ventilation shaft at 3 AM
You may be divorced
Half of us.
I make lists of
- Birthdays
- Restaurants
- Groceries
- Items I can prove were mine before 2017
At dinner I ask my kids about
- What they accomplished with the day
- How their friends are
- Their favorite TV show
- Daddy’s new friend Rachelle
My son’s lacrosse coach would make
- A great Ralph Lauren model
- A great tutor
- A good first husband
- A and C
Perhaps you’re a TSA Agent.
Your name is Caleb and you have a general distrust in shampoo.
I lie awake at night thinking about
- My children’s future
- The climate crisis
- My wife’s whereabouts
- Liquids over 4 oz
When I meet a stranger I
- Introduce myself
- Give them a hug
- Say hello
- Make them take off their shoes
I go on long drives to let my mind wander and often end up
- Back at my house
- At the lake
- On the highway
- At Newark Liberty International
I do my best work with
- Classical music
- A cup of coffee
- Oil paints
- A metal detector
I express myself
- Through dance
- By writing poetry
- Through my fashion choices
- In a monotoned yet agitated voice